How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One-He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
Did you hear about the butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
Did you hear about the two men who walked into a bar?
The third one ducked.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that had a race?
It ended up in a tie.
How do snakes end a fight?
They hiss and make up.
How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog.
How many Microsoft employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. We'll just declare darkness the new standard.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
What do cats like on a hot day?
A mice cream cone.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
Doyathinkhesaurus.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.
What do you call a monster with no neck?
The Lost Neck Monster.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
What do you get when you play a country music song backward?
You get your wife back, you get your job back, you stop drinking ...
What magazine do cats like to read?
Good Mousekeeping.
What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
Kids won't eat broccoli.
Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage?
Ta da dump, ta da dump, ta da dump Dump DUMP!!!
Who can jump higher than a tall building?
Anyone can. A building can't jump.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven eight nine!
The Nova Awards in Communication
These are nominees for the Chevy Nova Award, named in Honor of the GM's fiasco in trying to market this car in Central and South America "no va" means, of course, in Spanish, "it doesn't go"
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea"
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux"
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa)
8. Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate"
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant!"
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
So much for translations!
TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD
If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.
If At First You Don't Succeed...So Much For Skydiving.
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
I Have The Body Of A. God... Buddha
If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over
[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
Church Newsletters
On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters:
1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
2) Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7) Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9) Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please see the minister in his private study.
10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
11) The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
19) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
21) The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
24) The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
REJECTED HALLMARK CARDS
Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry
You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me
Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?
You totalled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?
Real Signs
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"
On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers:
AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART DOG
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH IT'S OWN 1998 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000
STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT -- $15
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED. CALL CHUBBIE
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
GEORGIA PEACHES- CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE - SLIGHTLY STAINED
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
AMERICAN FLAG - 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
NOTICE: TO THE PERSON OR PERSONS WHO TOOK THE LARGE PUMPKIN ON HIGHWAY 87 NEAR SOUTHRIDGE STORAGE: PLEASE RETURN THE PUMPKIN AND BE CHECKED. PUMPKIN MAY BE RADIOACTIVE. ALL OTHER PLANTS IN VICINITY ARE DEAD.
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS-$175.
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
OPEN HOUSE - BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON- FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
taken from actual court reports
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Actual McDonald's Fast Food Job Application:
NAME: Greg B******
DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
A True Story...
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun whose purpose is to launch dead chickens. It's used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshields of airline jets, military jets and the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity. As such, it simulates the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, thereby determining if the windshields are strong enough.
British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test it out on the windshield of their new high speed trains. However, upon firing it, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the train engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.
The NASA scientists sent back a three-word response:
"Thaw the chicken."
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry
with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement,
"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
Webster's Windows95 Definition
Windows95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell
for a 16 bit patch
to an 8 bit operating system
originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor,
written by a 2 bit company,
that can't stand 1 bit of competition
Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say
39. I`ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
38. Duct tape won`t fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I`ll have a Heineken.
35. We don`t keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can`t feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it`s not safe.
30. Wrasslin`s fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We`re vegetarians.
27. Do you think my hair is too big?
26. I`ll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
24. Who`s Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn`t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I`ll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I`ve got it all on a floppy disk.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
12. My fiancee, Betty Jo, is registered at Tiffany`s.
11. I`ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She`s too old to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Hey, here`s an episode of `Hee Haw` that we haven`t seen.
5. I don`t have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
And the #1 thing you would NEVER hear a redneck say--
1. Elvis who?
You Might Be A Yankee If...
* You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."
* You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
* You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
* For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.
* You don't know what a moon pie is.
* You've never had grain alcohol.
* You've never, ever, eaten okra.
* You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.
* You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.
* You have no idea what a polecat is.
* You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
* You don't have bangs.
* You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.
* More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.
* You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.
* Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.
* You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.
* You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
* You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.
* You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.
* The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.
* You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.
* The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.
* You call binoculars opera glasses.
* You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.
* You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.
* You don't know what applique is.
* You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Billy Ray, Mary Jo)
* You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.
* You've never been to a craft show.
* You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.
* You can't do your laundry without quarters.
* None of your fur coats are homemade
Things You Don't Want To Hear From Tech Support
* "Do you have a sledgehammer or a brick handy?"
* "That's right, not even McGyver could fix it."
* "So -- what are you wearing?"
* "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
* "Looks like you're gonna need some new dilithium crystals, Cap'n."
* "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with 60 Minutes. Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
* "We can fix this, but you're gonna need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape, and a car battery."
* "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
* "Hold on a second... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"
* "Okay, turn to page 523 in your copy of Dianetics."
* "Please hold for Mr. Gates' attorney."
RELATIVITY
One day, Timmy was talking to God.
"What's a thousand years like to you, God?" Timmy asked.
"Like a second," God replied.
"What's a million dollars like to you, God?" Timmy asked.
"Like a penny, Timmy," God replied.
"Hey, God," Timmy thoughtfully asked, "can I borrow a penny?"
"Sure," God replied. "Hold on a second."
IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING.
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone,
takes your money and doesn't appear to realize you've set it free...
You either married it or gave birth to it.
If Men Got Pregnant:
* Maternity leave would last two years ... with full pay
* There would be a cure for stretch marks
* Natural childbirth would become obsolete
* Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem
* All methods of birth control would be 100% effective
* Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained
* Men would be eager to talk about commitment
* They wouldn't think twins were so cute
* Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM
* Briefcases would be used as diaper bags
* Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes
* They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy
* Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees
* Women would rule the world!
If They Married...
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!) he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
Excerpts from military fitness reports...
These are lines taken from U.S. military officer efficiency reports:
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
A room temperature I.Q.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
A prime candidate for natural deselection.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
So dense, light bends around him.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
Was left on the tilt-a-whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
Excerpt from British Royal Navy and Marine officer fitness reports:
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
I would not breed from this officer.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
This medical officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.